Wherein Caution Should Have Called in Sick

At 12:40 a.m. Tuesday morning, I awoke with a searing pain in my neck.

By 1:06 a.m. I was certain I would die before morning and began to wonder how I would be eulogized.

At 1:18 a.m. I decided that if I died, Checkered would probably paint the bathroom a color I didn't like, so I decided to stay alive.

At 3:00 a.m. I illogically convinced myself that the burning in my neck had something to do with the people I had talked to during my son's karate class the previous night.

3:01 brought resolve to never speak to them again.

When 4:50 a.m. showed up on the clock, my body decided it would be best to fall into a very deep sleep for the next 30 minutes.

When 5:20 am woke me up I was troubled by the dream I had just experienced where, unbeknownst to me, my friend could read my thoughts and that somehow caused me to become a cowboy.

6:33 triggered a reminder from me to my daughter that the bus would be at the bus stop by 6:37.

6:33-6:35 were spent listening to my daughter clearly explain that she was well aware of the time and that my reminders were not helping her nor had they helped her for the past decade and a half of school nor were they likely to help at any point in the future.

At 7:20, I quietly and in a pure lady-like manner urged my sons to get out of the house and into the car right this very minute so that I would not be late for work.

At 7:25, my son discovered that an entire generation of ants had built a housing development, downtown area, and shopping district complete with restaurants - all in our hallway.

All ants were swimming by 7:28.

As I walked my children into childcare at school at 7:40, I felt a strange draft but dismissed it as a weather front.

My son told me that he did not feel well and I told him he really DID feel well at 7:43.

7:44, 7:45, 7:46 were spent trying to find the unusual odor emanating from my purse and discovering a squished Cutie orange, an opened bottle of bubble blowing solution, and no tissues or napkins in the car.

7:58 and two minutes from the start of class, a panel truck stalled and blocked the intersection right in front of me.

At 8:07 I walked into class and discovered the reason for the odd breeze again blowing up my front. It was the result of an inappropriate foundation garment under my rather sheer sweater.

I turned the classroom lights off at 8:08 and announced we would have to keep it very dark for the entire session so that they couldn't see my clothing goof they could better see the PowerPoint presentation I planned to use as a lecture base.

At 8:10, the students complained that it was so dark they couldn't even see their notes and I realized that my flash drive, complete with presentation and notes, was at home.

It's best I not tell you what happened at 8:11.