How to Gain Weight and Lose Weight and Never Change Weight

1. For months, dwell on weight gain.2. Start and quit several miracle diets.3. Give in and buy bigger jeans.4. Be very tired one night.5. Put on pajamas, sit down, and split seams.6. Refuse to take off too small pajamas because you haven't REALLY gained that much weight.7. Put on the same pair the next night because- see #6.8. Put on the same pair the third night because - see #6.9. Decide that starting Monday you will limit diet to 600 calories.10. Mean it.11. Feel terribly sorry for yourself.12. Utter recriminations.13. Realize the pajamas you have been wearing for the past three nights and continually splitting, actually belong to your adolescent daughter (who is repulsed by the pajamas now that you've worn them.)14. To celebrate, go to Dairy Queen.