I Do NOT Need Bifocals

I love my glasses. I love them because they say, "Juicy Couture" on the arm piece. I also love them because when I wear them I can actually see the words on the screen at church and I don't even have to squint.


But what I really, really love about them is that they don't have bifocals. They don't have bifocals because I DON'T need bifocals!

Last year, when the eye doctor suggested bifocals, I felt sorry that his mother had raised a not-so-insightful boy. He was doing okay with the lines about making life just a little easier. Then he committed the faux pas to end all faux pas. He mentioned certain things happening in the "aging process." That was it. He was history to me.

Then a couple of months ago these pesky, throbbing headaches began to annoy me after I had been working on the computer for a while. I knew they were caused by the guilt I felt about all the things I should have been doing other than reading so many great blogs.

Next it was those same not-so-pesky headaches when I graded essays. I was sure those headaches were the result of the quality of the essays.

Later, in a conversation with the optometrist who knows me better than any other doctor does, I mentioned the headaches. After examining my eyes over the phone, my sister (aka Dr. Red) decreed the probable need for reading glasses. She then reached across the thousand miles between us and held my hand while I went to the drugstore and bought some.

What I didn't tell my sister was that I was wearing a disguise so that my student who works there wouldn't recognize me carrying reading glasses. I would have rather run into him while I carried birth control, feminine protection, toe fungus stuff, or even an enema, but reading glasses? No absolute way.

When I got home and again tried the glasses I had a bad moment where I was taken back a year or two to when I was a teenager. I saw the piano teacher (really a lovely woman) sitting next to me, humming along, eating an onion like an apple and wearing my reading glasses. Back to the store those reading glasses went.


So here's the deal. If you want me to continue reading your blogs or emails, two or three lines in large font should suffice for me. I'll be fine. At least, I don't need bifocals!